Things That Don't Matter

One day when I was 7 or 8 years old I was bored and looking for something to read (I don’t get cable at my house, and this was way before you could watch so much online). Perusing the bookshelf in my living room I stumbled across something called the “The Calvin and Hobbes 10th Anniversary Book”. I picked it up and flipped through, I was delighted to find that it was full of comics and instantly began reading. Thus began what could easily be called a love affair with Bill Watterson’s masterpiece. For the couple weeks it took me to read it I carried this book everywhere with me, and when I finished I’m pretty sure I went back and read it again. After that I collected more whenever possible, and at this point I believe I’ve read just about every strip that’s been published. This comic literally made me who I am today. Calvin was the expression of everything I felt as a kid, things like why do we have to do homework? why do we have to get up so early for school? why do grownups get to control us the way they do? I connected with him more than I think I’ve ever connected to anyone on the face of the earth. He taught me to say no, to question why, to live in the moment with total disregard for any and all consequences. I shudder to think what I would be like had I not learned these lessons from him, and my parents probably sigh regretfully. Those of you who have read Calvin and Hobbes (If you haven’t I consider you as culturally deprived as I consider myself to be) know that Calvin utilizes quite an extensive vocabulary, which I think I can credit as being responsible for my own comprehensive diction from an early age. That of course, is only half of it. Hobbes too defined me as a person. It is from him that I learned wit, his constant air of superiority and offhand comments most definitely rubbed off on me. To this day I pride myself on my skill with the quick quip. So if you’ve never read Calvin and Hobbes I strongly suggest that you do so, it’ll change your life. Oh and did I mention that it’s hilarious?

Hallways are the worst. They are just the most awkward place to be ever. I hate when you’re walking down the hall and there’s someone coming the other way who you just sort of know and you’re not sure whether you should say hi or nod or something. I also hate when you’re not paying attention and someone you know says hi and you don’t see them until they’ve gone past in the other direction and you worry that they might think you ignored them or something. That’s just the worst. What’s also the worst is the people who seem to think that the hallway is their own private make out spot. This is the absolute worst if you’re the only other person in the hallway with them. I also hate people who just stand in the middle of the hall and clog it up, or try to walk three abreast and bump into people going the other way. I also hate that you can’t walk three abreast because when you’re walking with three people one person either has to walk out front or behind and gets excluded from the conversation. That’s often me. You know something’s really the worst when it has multiple worst aspects, hallways suck.

This is another of my creative writing assignments. I personally feel that it’s a pretty good one, but I’m not necessarily the best judge. Also, I just today noticed that I titled this the same as a movie that recently came out, I would like to clarify that this has nothing to do with that movie.

The Proposal

“Think I should do it?”

“Yes, that is an excellent idea.”

“Really?”

“No, it’s a terrible idea. But it’ll be hilarious to watch, so go.”

“You need to come with me.”

“No way.”

“Come on, I need a wing man.”

“Okay, let me detail what is going to happen if you go through with this. You march over there, right? You get her attention, maybe pull something like a, ‘Hey what was the homework for that class we have together?’ Then you go for it, you ask her. You say something like, ‘Wanna hang sometime?’, or if you’re a man, men make decisions, you say ‘Let’s go see that movie this Friday’. Am I right so far?”

“Yes, but I’m a man, you’re just a sexist.”

“Everyone’s sexist, women just as much as men. But that’s beside the point. At this point the bomb has been dropped, and the situation is about to explode in your face in one way or another with varying degrees of unpleasantness. Your heart is in her hands, and she’ll either hand it back politely, then turn around and wipe her hands on her napkin, or she’ll punt it across the cafeteria. In the first option she’ll respond with awkwardness, maybe almost as much as will already have been provided by you. This means she at least feels sorry for you and doesn’t want to just shut you down cold. She may go with the, ‘I’m busy… for like a while,’ or just a, ‘No thanks,’ maybe even pretend she’s seeing someone else, which based on your stalker-esque studying of her we both know is not true. Now the second option, god forbid. I know you have this odd faith that she’s really a good person but she’s sitting with all her friends over there and to save face she may have to go with an emphatic, ‘No way!’ or something along the lines of , ‘Just who the hell do you think you are?’ In any case, the whole thing will be a veritable nuclear blast of awkwardness and embarrassment and I for one will not be caught anywhere near ground zero.”

“What makes you think she won’t say yes?”

“I think the chances are very very low.”

“It could happen.”

“Yes, according to quantum mechanics any number of things could happen, but will they? No. This is not fiction where one can expect such things, and if you don’t like the outcome you can’t put the book down or turn off the TV.”

“So should you not turn the page to begin with?”

“It’s not a very good metaphor. Actually, I take that back. It’s a great metaphor, you’re just misinterpreting it.”

“No, you’re misinterpreting it.”

“How can I misinterpret my own metaphor? I made it up.”

“Never mind. You’re my friend, you’re supposed to support me in these things.”

“Okay, go ahead. Do it. I’ll be waiting on the next page, laughing.”

“Alright. I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna do it!”

And he stood up and left. He walked at an even pace across the cafeteria, trying to look cool and casual but coming off mostly awkward.

Damien watched his friend walk off with unease. The thing was, Mitch actually had a chance of a good outcome here. She might say yes, it was unlikely, but stranger things have happened. If that happened, it still probably wouldn’t go anywhere, but again, stranger things. And if that happened, his closest companion would have a girlfriend, and he didn’t think he could stand that. Just one big constant reminder that he was a failure, and the chance that he wouldn’t see his friend as much. On the other hand, if she said no, Damien would have to be all consolatory. Make some remarks about “Who needs women?” or, “Well it’s her loss”. There was also the fact that he just didn’t want to see his friend get hurt.

Mitch had reached her table now. He said something, and she responded in a light, cheerful way, probably meaning he’d just asked about homework or something. Then it happened. He asked her. Damien could feel the awkwardness from half-way across the cafeteria, it hit like a wave. He was surprised the people near them hadn’t all been incinerated or something. Not even a cockroach could withstand the awkward radiation emanating from this situation. Her face changed, her smile sort of dropped a little. She regained her composure though and said something back, though from what Damien could tell it was with sort of an uneasy manner. At least she hadn’t gone for option two. Mitch appeared to sort of stammer something along the lines of, “That’s fine, see you around,” and started to walk back.

When Damien thought about it though, at least Mitch had the courage to go over there and do that. Damien knew he would never have the guts. The fear of what was on the next page kept him from the potential joy it might hold.

Mitch sat down next to him.

“She said no.”

“That sucks.”

“You were right, I shouldn’t have done it.”

“No, I was wrong. You did the right thing, and maybe someday I’ll be lucky enough to be able to do it as well.”

Mitch sighed.

“And anyways, who needs women?”