Things That Don't Matter

I’ve come to the conclusion that post-Christmas winter sucks. In December winter is this magical time with snow and Santa and happiness. Everyone’s looking forward to being able to spend their year’s earnings on generic gifts for their relatives and friends in the hopes that they’ll get stuff back in return (I’m a big believer in that nothing we do is ever totally selfless), but after Christmas it just sucks. It’s cold and gray and wet and depressing and you’ve still got half a school year ahead of you. In December there’s all those songs, people singing “Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!” but when you hit late January and I hear anybody say that I say shut the hell up it’s friggin cold and it’ll probably just rain and I have homework and two essays along with a project and it’s been a few days so I need to come up with an update for the site but everything sucks so bad right now I can’t come up with anything past “things suck” and who wants to read that? I miss green. I look at photos from this past summer’s vacation and I get this longing feeling. I want it to be green and warm and sunny again, with school almost over and summer with it’s lack of responsibility. Although this year it’ll probably suck as bad as the rest of the year. My parents want me to get a job, as well as I’ll have to decide on colleges and start putting together applications. This counts as a job right? Takes more effort than bagging groceries, and if I can get more people to visit I might actually make money off of it as well. Anyways, there are three good things about winter, 1. skiing, but I don’t get to do that this year because my dad had knee surgery. 2. snow days, but they get added on to the end of the year which it really stupid, and if we have too many they cut out of April break which is even stupider. Sometimes I just want to go up to whoever’s in charge and deck them. 3. skating. A friend of mine sets up this skating rink in his back yard every year and it’s loads of fun. He has these awesome skating parties which I absolutely love because, well, they’re the only real parties I ever get to go to, and there’s other people from my school there who I don’t always know as well but are nice, and I get to socialize and be a normal person. Also I’m much better at skating than most of them so I get to show off a little, which I rarely get to do with anything non-academic. Still, none of it is enough to make up for the cold wet and miserable part. I miss summer.

By popular demand, here is the poem I wrote last year for my English class that everyone absolutely loved (especially my teacher, resulting in a 26/25).

I Had a Poem

I had a poem
It was four pages long
It was about living a day, just one day, in my life
I wrote it immediately
It was done by the end of the day
The words just seemed to flow and there it was

Last night I gave up on it
I just couldn’t do it
I couldn’t stand up and read it
I knew I wouldn’t be able to

I thought it was my chance
My chance to share all my thoughts with the world
But I realized I couldn’t do it
Never all at once, maybe not at all
Even if I could
It was depressing
And that’s not what I’m going for

I wanted it to be perfect
Like the ones we read in class
I wanted it to be funny, but sad
I wanted it to be captivating, awe-inspiring
But reading it I was unsure it would be any of those
And that uncertainty tore me apart from the inside out

Is this really the world we live in?
Where I cannot complete an assignment for fear of being judged?
We’ll I’m not going to rant
That was what the other one was about
And that’s partly why I gave up on it

Well now I have a problem
I’ve got two minutes till English and I’ve got nothing
I’ve got killer writer’s block
I could write about the drooling idiots in my Spanish class
It would go something like this:

I feel sorry for my Spanish teacher
It’s Spanish three
And these kids can barely say “hola”
I feel like yelling at them
And occasionally I try
But my voice is drowned by another flood of stupid questions
I guess I shouldn’t care
I don’t have to do any work

No, might offend someone
I could write about my dog
No, not interesting at all
I could write about soccer
But I don’t play anymore
I could write about war and/or peace
Way too cliché

It should have a message but not be preachy
It should make you think
When I read it
Everyone should know its good
Even if they don’t know why
I want to look into the faces of my audience
And see that I have changed their lives
I miss my old poem
But I can’t go back now

Oh god the bell
Even if I had an idea I could never write it now
Did I really not complete the most interesting assignment I’ve had all year?
And possibly ever?
No
I did complete it
But as I said, I gave up on that poem

True story, I wrote that in my Spanish class and finished up in the couple minutes before the final bell for English. Everyone was pretty impressed. It’s funny to look back on it now because this website is entirely about sharing my thoughts with the world, although not in person. Also looking back I don’t think the first one I wrote was that good either. I’m not sure how well this reads on paper, it was designed to be read aloud, so if I get around to it I might put up an audio version.

Welcome to my new segment, greatest movies of all time. Films that I cover here are certified (by me) to have obtained high levels of excellence. Everyone should see these movies. If I cover a movie that you haven’t seen, then go see it!

So, the movie! I guess Annie Hall is what you could call a love story, but I wouldn’t. It is about relationships, but it’s about ones that don’t work, rather than ones that do. It pulls away from all the other cookie cutter romantic comedies that end with whoever you wanted to get together getting together and it’s implied that it’s happily ever after. Annie Hall takes happily ever after and turns it into miserable before, during, and after, and I absolutely loved it. The movie had a lot of messages, but one of the more prominent ones was that relationships are always a mess, so why do we bother. That really spoke to me because, well, I’m always asking the same question. Woody Allen has this one great line that goes, and I’m paraphrasing here, “There’s this joke. This guy goes to a psychiatrist and he says “Doc, my brother thinks he’s a chicken.” “Well, you should bring him in,” says the psychiatrist. “Well I would, but I really need the eggs.” And that’s how I feel about relationships. They’re totally irrational, but in the end, we all need the eggs.” And that’s how I feel about relationships, I just never had such a great way of putting it. There’s another line that’s not so major to the plot of the movie, but I picked up on it, and for me, it really put the whole thing over the top. Woody Allen says, “You know, you know how you’re always trying to get things to come out perfect in art because, uh, it’s real difficult in life.” And that really spoke to me, because in my own work of art, I’m angling for the perfect ending, the one that’s not going to ever happen for me in real life. Even when Woody Allen wasn’t saying anything profoundly connected to my own thoughts, I still identified with his character, pessimistic, sarcastic, removed, everything about him was me. There were several scenes I loved where he would sort of step out of what was going on to comment on the scene. Sometimes others join him. There’s one scene where he stops and addresses a couple on the street, asking them how they’re happy, to which the girl replies “Uh, I’m very shallow and empty and I have no ideas and nothing interesting to say,” and the guy says, “And I’m exactly the same way.” The movie had so many great lines I could fill pages with them, but I won’t, you just have to go see it for yourself.

Today we said good bye to George Bush. I’m not at all sad to see him go. In my English class we’re doing a unit on poetry, so I thought I’d try my hand at it.

The Bush Years

I was walking down the street one day
in one of my better moods
The sun was bright, the sky was clear
Everything seemed all right

But then I stopped in my tracks
for there was the most peculiar spectacle
an elephant
perched precariously on a telephone pole

I inquired of him
“How did you get up there?”
to which he replied
“I do not know”

I questioned him
“What are you doing”
And he said
“Looking for terrorists”

“Up there?”
I asked, unbelieving
“Where else?”
he replied, as if I were unworthy of his time

“I don’t see any”
I put in
“Neither do I”
said he, with a sigh

He stuck his ear
to the wires
“Whatever are you doing now?”
I asked, almost not wanting to know

“I’m listening”
he said.
“To what?”
I asked

“Phone calls, what else could I be listening to?”
he replied haughtily
I stared dumbfounded
“No seriously, is there something else I could be listening to?”

“I’m pretty sure that’s illegal”
I said, more concerned than ever
“Nonsense”
he said
“It’s as American as apple pie”

I decided not to pursue the matter
it didn’t seem worth my time
Exasperated I looked to the sky
Where a vulture circled

The elephant noticed the vulture too
“That bird’s a Dick”
he said
“I know he’s just waiting for me to die”

“How are you going to get down?”
I asked
and he looked at me bewildered
“I don’t really know”

“Well shouldn’t you have thoug…”
“No more questions!”
he exclaimed
and fell off the pole.

Here’s a mini article to fill in for the past few days (and probably the next few as well).

Every day when I get home, I turn on my computer. My computer, being awesome, is also quite the noisemaker. If I turn the fan speed all the way up you can hear it throughout the house. Well, maybe not the whole house. But anyways, it’s loud. So for the rest of the afternoon, whatever I’m doing, watching TV, playing videogames, homework, the computer is running, and making noise. I don’t notice it. It’s a constant drone that my ears adjust to and I simply don’t hear it. Then at night, (morning technically) when I decide to go to bed, I turn it off, and the noise stops. It all goes quiet, and I get this feeling like I’ve been leaning on a wall that’s just disappeared, and I’m about to fall flat on my face. I can’t tell whether that’s symbolic of something or not…

I think too much. That’s pretty much what it comes down to. I can never decide on anything without endlessly weighing the pros and the cons. A lot of the time after I do something, all I can think about are the cons. Everything sounds like a great idea before I do it, and a horrible idea afterwords. That’s mostly the reason why all these articles get put up here pretty late at night. I come up with ideas during the day, they sit for a while, gather substance, and then by night I have enough to write about, and I’ll think it’s great. However, the next morning I always wake up and think, “Wow, that was a really stupid idea, I should not have said that.” I do keep my resolve, I have yet to remove an article. It’s part of the reason I hate mornings. Everything sounds like a bad idea in the morning. I’ll come up with something at night, go to bed thinking about it, building it up, and then in the morning I wake up and it all sounds so ridiculous. It’s probably partly due to that I have to go to school in the morning, and that bad feeling spreads to everything else. I can guarantee you that I’ll wake up tomorrow and think that this post was dumb. Whenever I’m working on something or trying to decide something I’ll always go back and forth and back and forth between whether it’s any good or not. It’s like a mental war zone, and I’m always the one and only casualty. It’s pretty damn annoying. On the one hand, it might keep me from making bad decisions, but on the other hand it gets in the way of me just doing something without worrying about it, it takes away any and all spontaneity. See, there I go again! Both sides of the issue. Why oh why can’t I be single minded?

Things I thought when I woke up this morning: This post was too short, this post didn’t say what I wanted it to say, this post wasn’t funny, damn it I forgot to categorize this post (since corrected), and god damn it I should have done that homework!

Ironically, the first friend I ever had was a girl, and looking back, she’s probably one of the top contenders for being the closest friend I’ve ever had, I still think about her pretty often. We were inseparable, that is, until my dad got his job at Reuters and we were separated by a good 315* miles (*Thank you Google maps). We saw each other only a couple times after that. Anyways, I am going somewhere with this, the other day I opened up my email and what I saw there made me go totally blank for a moment. Sitting there, at the top of my inbox, was one of those Facebook friend requests, with her name on it. I’m not quite sure what tearing something open would equate to in email, but that’s what I did. One of the first things I wondered was what made her think of me? The fact that she remembered me and was interested in getting back in touch was extremely uplifting after what had been a rather rotten week at school. The next thing I did was confirm the request and check out her profile, which always sounds weird, but that’s what it’s there for. One of the things that hit me was that really, she’s practically a stranger to me. All I have is vague memories from 10 years ago. Vague memories of her when she was 5 years old. I know I’m a totally different person than when I was 5, maybe a few personality traits stuck with me through the years but other than that, me at age 5 and me at age 16 are practically different people. I started going back through my old memories, trying to bring back everything I could. I can remember her house just as well, if not better, than I can remember my old house. I remember a little of the town, Frederick, but not much. The thing I remember most about it was this lake, Lake Linganore, that had this cement structure, not totally sure what it actually was, running along the edge that I used to walk along. I was really excited about the chance to catch up with her, and maybe start up a regular correspondence, but then the worrying set in. I worried about saying the wrong thing, and mostly I worried about this site, which I make a pretty big deal out of on my profile. I learned from her profile that she doesn’t exactly share my liberal atheist views, which I don’t really care about, but I worried that she might. I’m pretty sure my worries are unfounded, I have both conservative and religious friends who read this stuff and don’t hate me. Anyways, where I’m really going with this article is that it got me thinking about who I would be if I hadn’t moved. Would me and her still be friends? Would we ever have been more than just friends? Would I have ended up with the same interests, the same skills, the same opinions? Would I become essentially the same person I am today just in a different location, or would I be totally different? Would the person I am now like the person I could have become? These are all questions I really can’t answer for certain, and I don’t think anyone ever will know the answers to these types of questions, but it’s fun hypothesizing.

I don’t really know where this one came from, it’s obviously not from personal experience, I just thought of it. It’s a little cliche I guess but I think it’s still entertaining. I hope it’s still entertaining.

The Cheat

He sped down the highway, going way faster than he should. Road signs blurred in the corners of his eyes, but he could see clearer than he ever had. He had to make things right. He glanced at the clock on the dashboard, 4:21, he didn’t have that much time. He thought about what he was going to say. Shit, what the hell was he going to say? No, he knew what he had to say. Was he drunk? He couldn’t remember if he was drunk. That probably meant he was, but oh well, there were more important things at hand. The night behind him was a blur. He couldn’t remember making the decision to do this, only that the decision had been made, and that there was no questioning it now. Someone honked as he passed them on the right and he ignored them. He wasn’t sure how fast he was going, the numbers on his dashboard were blurred. Humph, numbers, he’d spent his whole goddamned life with numbers, and where had it gotten him? Here, and where was here? Nowhere.

Actually, here was Newtown, he caught a glimpse of the sign as he sped past. His exit was coming up, he made a mental note not to miss it. He tried to remember again what he was going to say, it had been clear a moment ago. He needed to say he still loved her, but how? He needed more than just “I love you.” She deserved more than just “I love you.” She deserved more than him. Maybe he should let her go. Like in those movies with wild animals, “If you love them let them go.” She was wild, but he was an animal. For her to stay with him would mean her giving up the possibility of a career, a life of her own, away from him. The thing was, he couldn’t let her go. He couldn’t live without her, the past week had made him see that.

He saw one of those green signs approaching, it might be for his exit. He squinted at it as it grew closer. The white blob slowly cleared to form a… 10. Exit 10, that was it. He pulled off. As he reached the end of the ramp he didn’t bother to stop, he just swerved right. Off to the east he could see the sun beginning to rise, a hint of light glowing above the horizon. He came to an intersection, he had to stop a moment and remember the way. It was a… right. He peeled out onto the next street.

The roads in this town were tight, and he was going far too fast, but there wasn’t anyone else out at this time. There it was, her house. Actually her parents’ house, but they spent most of their time at their vacation home in Florida. He could see her car in the driveway as he pulled in, thank god she hadn’t left yet. There were lights in some of the windows too, she must have been getting ready to leave.

He got out of the car and walked, or rather, stumbled, to the front door. He pushed hard on the doorbell. There was no response. He rang again, he couldn’t even hear any movement inside. He banged on the door.

“I know you’re here” he yelled. “Please open the door!”

A window opened above him, and she stuck her head out.

“Go away,” she said. “I don’t want to see you.”

“I’m so sorry, I love you.”

“Sorry isn’t good enough.”

“I know sorry isn’t good enough, nothing’s good enough for what I did, but it’s all I have.”

“Please go away, don’t make me call the police.”

“You’re not going to call the police.”

“What makes you so sure of that.”

“Because I know you still love me, as I love you.”

“Well there you are mistaken, now go away or I will call the police.”

“Please don’t do that. At least come down here and speak to me face to face.”

“No, I don’t want to be anywhere near you ever again.”

“Please, you have to understand. I was an idiot, a fool, I thought there was something more but there isn’t, there’s only you.”

“An idiot you are, and if I am everything, then you are going to be forever with nothing.”

“I can’t lose you, look at me, look at what a week without you has done to me. I’m a drunken mess. I never should have doubted that what we had was all there is to life, and I will never doubt again. I just can’t go on without you.”

“Well you should have thought of that before you slept with that slut from work.”

“I know that there’s nothing I can ever do that will make up for that, but please, I beg that you forgive me”

“No. Go away now. I have a plane to catch.”

“I could drive you to the airport. Let me drive you to the airport.”

“No, if you’re not gone by the time I’m ready to leave, I’m calling the police.”

He knew that there was nothing he could say or do to change her mind. He felt like sitting down on the steps and sobbing.

“Fine, I’ll go,” his voice wavered. “But know this, I’ll follow you to the ends of the earth if I have to.”

“And I’ll get a restraining order.” She said, and closed the window.

Television is both awesome and annoying, depending on what you’re watching. Most of the topics I touch on here will probably get their own articles dedicated to them at some point, but I have to do this quick, I have homework. Here’s what’s awesome:

NBC: NBC is my favorite network at the moment for one reason, Thursday. Their Thursday lineup has My Name is Earl, Kath and Kim, The Office, and 30 Rock, all excellent sitcoms and well above what passes for quality television these days. The rest of the week I’m not so big on NBC, their reality shows are horrible, (what reality show isn’t?) and their dramas and or action shows are dull, or at least, they’ve never interested me enough to bother watching one. The only other NBC show I watch is Chuck, which was entertaining last season, but I don’t see how much longer they’re going to be able to drag the story out, it got repetitive halfway through last year.

The Daily Show/Colbert Report: I put these two together almost as one show, seeing as I watch them one after the other. I don’t get Comedy Central, but they’re nice enough to put the episodes online the next day, with fewer commercials too! This online full episodes thing is great for me and I hope it continues. The Daily Show often focuses on mocking other news networks rather than the news, especially FOX. FOX News has said some of the most ridiculous stuff I’ve ever seen, the Daily Show has a library of clips from them that could take you a lifetime to watch, although that much exposure to Republican propaganda can’t be good for your health. The Colbert Report moves at a much faster pace than the Daily Show, which I like, and Stephen does a great job of mocking conservatives by pretending to be one. It’s amazing how ridiculous some of the policies sound when he delivers them. Admittedly, he exaggerates a little, but I don’t think he’s that far off the mark.

South Park: This show is just hilarious. I love the way in a lot of their episodes how a plot is derived from a figure of speech taken literally. For instance, a recent episode was about the latest Indiana Jones movie, they asserted that Indiana had been, well, I’ll substitute what they actually said with slaughtered. Then they had the characters deal with the tragedy of seeing their beloved friend Indiana slaughtered like that, as if they had witnessed a real friend of theirs killed.

The Simpsons: The only show that makes the FOX network worth watching. And I don’t think they’ll be around too much longer, all the original writers have gone and episode plots have lost, well, I can’t put my finger on it, they’re just not the same anymore. The show is still decent, but it’s not what it used to be.

Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog: Dr. Horrible was a web exclusive produced last year during the writers strike. A bunch of writers and actors weren’t doing anything, so they came up with Dr. Horrible. I heard about this as one of those “anything’s possible on the internet” type things which always sound great but end up disappointing. This was not at all disappointing. The plot was great, the acting was professional, and it was a musical, but the songs were good. I watched it the other day and they’re all stuck in my head. I recommend everyone see it, here’s a link: http://www.hulu.com/hd/29272. A side note about Hulu: Hulu is awesome. They have all professionally done stuff, the ads are limited, and the ad volume is actually lower than the rest of the video, which is incredible. That may not sound like a big deal, but some places have the ad volume ridiculously loud.

Here’s what annoys me:

The CW: (Shudder) I don’t know where to begin with this network. Their claim to fame is shows like Gossip Girl and 90210. I tried watching Gossip Girl last night so I might have grounds to criticize it, but I just couldn’t do it. All the characters are so whiny, they complain about unimportant problems like their lives hang in the balance. What dress to wear to the dance could pass for the plot of an entire episode. I hate hearing all the stupid gossip when I’m in school, what on earth made them try to bring it into my home?

Reality TV: ALL reality TV sucks. Reality TV should go die in a hole somewhere. It’s ruining television. First off, reality TV is an oxymoron, the idea of TV is that it’s not real. Shows have writers for a reason, to come up with clever and entertaining plots. Writers are the very base of TV, I would class them as more important than all other groups involved in television production. When you take them out you have nothing. People are stupid, I watch TV to be away from all the stupid people, I don’t want all those stupid people on my TV.

That about covers TV for now, like I said, some of those sections will probably end up with their own articles at some point, especially the annoying ones.