Feb 26 2009


So yesterday was that Wednesday when all the people of one of those christian denominations decide that they should give up television or pizza because some guy walked around in the desert for a while. For me, lent ranks third on the list of annoying religious practices. Right below the pointless torture and killing of millions of people and racism/discrimination, but just above pretentious spiritual attitude. I think that lent tends to be more of an inconvenience for those who don’t participate in it rather than those who do. I have a friend who once gave up video games so for a month every time I went to his house and said “Want to play video games?” because that was what we normally did he would say “No I can’t, I gave it up for lent, but you can if you want to.” Well great, if I wanted to play video games by myself I could have stayed home. Lent makes communication harder as people give up cell phones and email, things that have become essential to life in the 21st century, right up there with food and breathing. For the next month we will all have to endure these people. It only takes one in a group to put a stop to a fun activity because they gave it up for lent. I’ve never understood the whole concept of lent. So this guy you worship spent some time in the desert, why does that mean that you have to annoy people for a month? How about instead of depriving yourself of something which doesn’t do anyone any good you go out and help people, do community service or something. Community service is about the only plus there is to religion so how about you focus on that a little more than this pointless annoying archaic ritual stuff which I see as really just a less extreme version of what those “pain is the cleanser” people do when they wear belts with spikes on the inside and whip themselves.

Feb 20 2009


Music, like television, has both the annoying and the awesome. Really as far as music goes, people can listen to what they want, but where’s the fun in that? Also like television, a lot of these topics will probably be revisited and expanded on at some point.

Annoying: I’d say that the cut off date for good music was around 1995. With few exceptions, I can’t stand modern music. Occasionally I’ll hear a song on the radio and think yeah that’s kind of catchy, I can see why it’s so popular, but other times I don’t get it at all. This is especially true with rap music, which generally speaking I cannot stand. The only rap music I’ve ever come close to liking is songs done as jokes, like the ones in the SNL Digital Shorts. Sometimes real rap music seems like a joke, it’s just so ridiculous. They all seem to be about how tough it is to live in the “hood” or something sickening like that. The truth is, all of these things like gang violence and drug addictions come from just plain being stupid, no two ways about it. Maybe I’m crazy, but I think a pretty easy way to avoid gang violence would be to not join gangs, is that such a hard concept? Rap music therefore boils down to people being idiots and if there’s one thing I can not stand it’s idiocy. The other music I don’t understand is heavy metal. Congratulations, you can turn your amp all the way up and make noise while screaming into a microphone. It’s just loud noise, not music. Also I’m not a fan of country music, it all seems to be about trucks or guys who cheated on you (probably because you sing country music!).

Awesome: Most of the bands I like stopped making music decades ago and resurface only occasionally for some sort of revival tour or Superbowl halftime show. Bands like The Beatles, The Who, The Rolling Stones, Boston, Pink Floyd, Queen, the list goes on. There isn’t really much to say about them except that they were, and continue to be, awesome. Now, I mentioned before that with few exceptions I can’t stand modern music, it’s time to talk about those exceptions. In general, the modern music I like is commonly referred to as “indie” because these bands at some point released albums on record labels independent of the big four. However, all of the ones I like have since signed with a big four label, making them simply alternative, which is great because it means I don’t have to be a pretentious twat to listen to their music. It seems that the definition of the word indie has been expanded to include everyone not born with a record contract. It almost seems like it’s become it’s own genre, which is stupid. I’m very strongly against liking music just because of the image it purports, which admittedly is somewhat of a double standard because I’m totally for not liking music based on its image. Anyways, #1 on the exceptions list is R.E.M., who are probably just about my favorite band of all time. I’m counting R.E.M. as modern because their latest album, Accelerate, was released last year. #2 on the list is The Decemberists. The Decemberists stand head and shoulders over every other band I’ve ever heard when it comes to inventive lyrics. Their next album due out in March entitled The Hazards of Love is going to be a rock opera, telling a narrative throughout the entirety of the album. Up until a few days ago they had a song from the album publicly available as a free download on their website. The song is called The Rake’s Song, and it’s about a guy who gets married at 21 and has 3 kids, but then his wife dies giving birth to a fourth and now he’s stuck with the kids. He want’s to go back to his life of freedom so he kills them. How awesome is that for a song?

That’s about all that jumps out at me right now.

You know what’s funny? I actually worried more about offending people with this post than I did with religion.

Feb 12 2009

The End

I’m somewhat reluctant to call this story “The End” because in case you hadn’t noticed, the stories about these two have all been out of order and I’ll probably revisit them again somewhere in the earlier stages of their relationship, and who knows, maybe they’ll meet again someday… I personally really like this one, it’s probably my favorite out of everything I’ve written so far. You’ll have to excuse grammatical errors for a few days because it’s 1 am and I don’t feel like revising it right now.

The End

The night was clear and warm, however the occasional breeze contained a hint of the coming chilliness of fall. The sky was awash with stars, bright and burning in the vast expanse of nothingness. The August moon hung low in the sky. The two of them sat on the bench atop the hill that overlooked the town. They sat next to each other, he had one arm around her shoulders, and his other hand placed on her thigh. She rested her head against him, they both looked out, across their town, across the hills to the night sky. They sat in silence, each lost in their own thoughts, content just to sit and enjoy the comfort of their embrace.

He couldn’t find the words to describe what he was feeling, it was unlike anything he’d experienced before. Everything was going to change, it was scary. That was it, scary. But there was excitement too, change held opportunities, yet it meant giving up the security of the status quo. He couldn’t believe it really, his stuff was all packed, tomorrow he would drive off to college, another state, new people, new life. She too left the next day, yet her education would take her across the country, thousands of miles instead of hundreds. It would be pointless for them to try to keep their relationship alive, and they both knew it. The distance was too great, and besides, who wants to be tied down in college? They hadn’t spoken about it yet, there’d been a moment, back in the winter when they told each other about their acceptance letters when they’d looked at each other and known, but not said anything, just congratulated each other and gone on. They’d spent the summer as if nothing was going to be any different, like they would be going back to high school for another year. Yet here it was, their last night together, the situation confronted them and refused to go away or be ignored.

“So, how are we going to do this?” he asked, and with that question resigned them to their fate.

“I… I don’t know,” she replied, she too had been pondering this issue. The entire evening they’d spent together had felt somehow forced and uneasy, the both of them thinking so this is it.

“Well, I guess we have two options. We can be adult about this and just agree to go our separate ways,” he said.

“Uh huh.”

“Or, we could try to have a little fun with this.”

“How so?”

“I always thought it would be fun to have one of those messy breakups. Like if we were at a point where we couldn’t stand each other, and just wanted out, rather than having this forced upon us. What do you think?”

“Okay, well, let’s try it out. Here’s a simple one: I don’t think this is working.”

“What? Am I not good enough for you?”

“No, it’s not you, it’s me.”

“Yeah right, whenever someone says that they really mean ‘It’s all you’.”

“Not true at all.”

“What is it then, what about you makes you not want to be with me?”

“I… it’s just that…”

“Well fine then, I don’t want to be with you either, we’re through,” he said, ending their first breakup.

“Ha, that wasn’t bad.”

“Yeah, it was okay, want to try another?”

“Sure, I have a good one: I’m seeing someone else”

He mocked a gasp, “No, how could you!?”

“I… I don’t know, it just sort of happened.”

“How could it just ‘happen’? I thought we had something.”

“We do, or we did.”

“Have you slept with him?”


“You have!?”

“Fine, I have! And he was better at it than you.”

“You whore! It’s over between us,” he said, thus ending their second breakup. They sat in silence again for another minute.

“I don’t know, I guess I don’t really want us to be mad at each other, because really, I don’t want this to be the end for us, but there’s no way it can’t be,” he said.

“Yeah, I know.”

“That’s one of the things I loved about us, we always understood each other, as much as it’s possible for members of the opposite sex to understand each other.”

“I loved that you always listened to what I had to say, or at least acted like you did.”

“Hmm, what’s that? I was zoned out there for a moment,” he said and smiled at her. “I loved that we had fun with each other.”

“Yeah, I loved that too, although I can’t say that it was always fun.”

“No, it certainly was not,” he said, and silence enveloped them as they reflected back over the time they’d spent together.

“Remember the first time we came here?” she asked. “Right after our first date, and we just sat here on this bench and talked the night away.”

“Yeah I remember it, my mom was pretty damn mad at me when I showed up at the house the next morning.”

“Yeah, mine too, I remember we couldn’t have a second date for a month because they were so mad at us. I think they still believe we had sex that night.”

“Yeah, probably. Doesn’t make much of a difference now though does it?”

“No I guess it doesn’t,” she said and they smiled at each other, and then kissed.

“That was another thing I loved about us,” he said after they had pulled away from each other. Things were quiet again for a minute, then he asked, “So do you want to keep in touch?”

“Yeah I don’t see why not. It’d be nice to still be able to talk to you, we’re both about to be thrown out into a world of strangers, having someone you know you can talk to, even if they can’t physically be there, is a comfort.”

“Yeah, I was thinking the same. It’s scary isn’t it, we’re about to leave behind almost everything that anchors us to who we are, our friends, our families, all of it.”

“Everyone does it at some point.”

“Yeah, and look at how messed up everything is.”

“Good point.”

They sat and looked out over the hills, out to everything that faced them in the all too near future. He looked at his watch, it was late and they both had to be up early to travel the next day.

“We should probably go,” he said.

“Yeah, I guess we should.”

“We brought your car didn’t we?”

“Yeah, you want a ride home?”

“No thanks actually, I was thinking I’d walk, it’s not that far.”

They sat for another minute.

“I guess this is goodbye then,” he said.

“Yeah, I guess it is.”

“So I’ll call you, or email or something, tomorrow or the day after, depending on how things go.”


“Well, goodbye,” he said, and they kissed. They held it for a while, their last kiss, before he stood up and walked off down the road that led into town.

He folded his arms across his chest as he walked down the hill, it was suddenly very cold.

Feb 3 2009

Things I’ll Never Be

Story time everyone! Today we revisit our two as yet unnamed characters as they muddle through the mess that is a relationship. The thing about these stories is I’m never sure if I’m getting it right, because I’ve never been in a relationship, I need to find someone who is to be a consultant. Anyways, here’s the story:

Things I’ll Never Be

“So, you want to go see a movie tonight or something?” she asked. “I think there might be something good playing at town hall.”

“Sorry, I can’t, I’m going to one of those skating party things tonight,” he replied.

“Well, can I come along?”

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

“Why not, there’ll be girls there.”

“Yeah, there’ll be girls, but not girlfriends.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means, whenever a guy brings his girlfriend along to something like this, he’s not any fun. Trust me, I’ve witnessed it first hand many times. He’s focused totally on her, and not on anything else.”

“Well, I can be different. You can totally ignore me, forget I’m your girlfriend.”

“It wouldn’t work out like that and you know it. Anyways, that’s not something I want to forget anytime soon,” he said with a smile, which he hoped would put an end to the matter.

“Why are you being like this? You never want to take me to any of these things, why?”

“Okay, you really want to know? It’s because back before we were together, when I was a lonely nobody, there were certain things I swore to myself I would never do, no matter what the circumstances, because other people doing them annoyed me so much. One of those things was that I would never be one of those guys who brings his girlfriend along everywhere, because as I said before, they get totally absorbed in each other, and even worse, all the guys without girlfriends feel even worse than they already do. Unless she’s a total bitch that is, then they feel better.”

“Okay fine, I won’t come. But now I’m curious, what were some of these other things you swore you would never do?”

“Hmm… let’s see. Oh, I swore I would never put a picture of myself kissing up on Facebook, and god forbid I should set it as my profile picture. I… I swore I would never be one of those people who make out in the hallways, or show much affection in public otherwise, those people annoy the hell out of me.”

“Hey, I was one of those people!”

“I know you were, so it’s a miracle you got me.”

“Huh, go on.”

“Well, I swore I would never profess my love for someone through a Facebook status update…”

“Hold on a minute, these all have something to do with a girl, and if I remember correctly at the time there was little to no chance of any of this even being an option for you.”

“Well it’s an option now, I was being prepared. Besides, it’s fun fantasizing about these things, it’s all some people have. It’s all I had.”

“Do you have any not related to women?”

“Not really, almost all of my big annoyances were related to this. But the most important of all of them was I swore that I would never desert my friends if I ended up with someone like you, which means not doing any of the above.”

“Nice of you.”

“I know, I’m a nice person. Also a genius, and the luckiest guy on earth to be here with you. But most importantly a genius.”

“Shut up,” she said playfully.

“Well I am, and actually right now, I’m a genius who has to go, so I’ll see you later okay?”

“Alright, I’ll see you later, you’re getting away with this one, but one of these times I’m going to force you to break your rule and take me along with you.”

“Ha, I’d like to see you try,” he said, kissed her, and left.