Things That Don't Matter

This is another of my creative writing assignments. I personally feel that it’s a pretty good one, but I’m not necessarily the best judge. Also, I just today noticed that I titled this the same as a movie that recently came out, I would like to clarify that this has nothing to do with that movie.

The Proposal

“Think I should do it?”

“Yes, that is an excellent idea.”

“Really?”

“No, it’s a terrible idea. But it’ll be hilarious to watch, so go.”

“You need to come with me.”

“No way.”

“Come on, I need a wing man.”

“Okay, let me detail what is going to happen if you go through with this. You march over there, right? You get her attention, maybe pull something like a, ‘Hey what was the homework for that class we have together?’ Then you go for it, you ask her. You say something like, ‘Wanna hang sometime?’, or if you’re a man, men make decisions, you say ‘Let’s go see that movie this Friday’. Am I right so far?”

“Yes, but I’m a man, you’re just a sexist.”

“Everyone’s sexist, women just as much as men. But that’s beside the point. At this point the bomb has been dropped, and the situation is about to explode in your face in one way or another with varying degrees of unpleasantness. Your heart is in her hands, and she’ll either hand it back politely, then turn around and wipe her hands on her napkin, or she’ll punt it across the cafeteria. In the first option she’ll respond with awkwardness, maybe almost as much as will already have been provided by you. This means she at least feels sorry for you and doesn’t want to just shut you down cold. She may go with the, ‘I’m busy… for like a while,’ or just a, ‘No thanks,’ maybe even pretend she’s seeing someone else, which based on your stalker-esque studying of her we both know is not true. Now the second option, god forbid. I know you have this odd faith that she’s really a good person but she’s sitting with all her friends over there and to save face she may have to go with an emphatic, ‘No way!’ or something along the lines of , ‘Just who the hell do you think you are?’ In any case, the whole thing will be a veritable nuclear blast of awkwardness and embarrassment and I for one will not be caught anywhere near ground zero.”

“What makes you think she won’t say yes?”

“I think the chances are very very low.”

“It could happen.”

“Yes, according to quantum mechanics any number of things could happen, but will they? No. This is not fiction where one can expect such things, and if you don’t like the outcome you can’t put the book down or turn off the TV.”

“So should you not turn the page to begin with?”

“It’s not a very good metaphor. Actually, I take that back. It’s a great metaphor, you’re just misinterpreting it.”

“No, you’re misinterpreting it.”

“How can I misinterpret my own metaphor? I made it up.”

“Never mind. You’re my friend, you’re supposed to support me in these things.”

“Okay, go ahead. Do it. I’ll be waiting on the next page, laughing.”

“Alright. I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna do it!”

And he stood up and left. He walked at an even pace across the cafeteria, trying to look cool and casual but coming off mostly awkward.

Damien watched his friend walk off with unease. The thing was, Mitch actually had a chance of a good outcome here. She might say yes, it was unlikely, but stranger things have happened. If that happened, it still probably wouldn’t go anywhere, but again, stranger things. And if that happened, his closest companion would have a girlfriend, and he didn’t think he could stand that. Just one big constant reminder that he was a failure, and the chance that he wouldn’t see his friend as much. On the other hand, if she said no, Damien would have to be all consolatory. Make some remarks about “Who needs women?” or, “Well it’s her loss”. There was also the fact that he just didn’t want to see his friend get hurt.

Mitch had reached her table now. He said something, and she responded in a light, cheerful way, probably meaning he’d just asked about homework or something. Then it happened. He asked her. Damien could feel the awkwardness from half-way across the cafeteria, it hit like a wave. He was surprised the people near them hadn’t all been incinerated or something. Not even a cockroach could withstand the awkward radiation emanating from this situation. Her face changed, her smile sort of dropped a little. She regained her composure though and said something back, though from what Damien could tell it was with sort of an uneasy manner. At least she hadn’t gone for option two. Mitch appeared to sort of stammer something along the lines of, “That’s fine, see you around,” and started to walk back.

When Damien thought about it though, at least Mitch had the courage to go over there and do that. Damien knew he would never have the guts. The fear of what was on the next page kept him from the potential joy it might hold.

Mitch sat down next to him.

“She said no.”

“That sucks.”

“You were right, I shouldn’t have done it.”

“No, I was wrong. You did the right thing, and maybe someday I’ll be lucky enough to be able to do it as well.”

Mitch sighed.

“And anyways, who needs women?”